Virtus π #003: Dancing With Your Ego: Self-Worth, Silent Wings, and the Art of Being Enough
Are you ready to turn your inner critic into your wisest friend?
In this transformative third issue:
Learn why your ego isn't the enemy - and how to turn your inner critic into your most powerful ally in our groundbreaking main piece.
Meet Brian, a divorced dad in Austin who discovers his worth through an unexpected lesson about butterflies and invisible wings.
Explore what a four-star general's battlefield wisdom can teach us about modern leadership in our book spotlight on "Team of Teams."
Discover "sonder" - the profound realization that everyone around you is living a life as complex as your own.
Chuckle at our take on a "smart" bookmark that's trying way too hard to solve a problem that doesn't exist.
Plus: A powerful poem about loving yourself without fixing others, and why that's more important than ever.
Dive in and start transforming your relationship with yourself.
Note: Pour yourself a cup of coffee for this one. Your ego might get uncomfortable, but that's where the magic happens.
MAIN ARTICLE
The Ego Games: Learning to be Friends with Your Inner Warrior
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio
Last week, I got into a stupid argument with my brother over who makes better coffee. Me, the self-proclaimed coffee guru with my fancy pour-over setup, or him with his beaten-up French press that's older than his marriage.
Twenty minutes in, as we're practically measuring coffee particles with microscopes to prove our points, my wife walks in and says, "You guys realize you're fighting about hot bean water, right?"
And just like that, I saw it - my ego, dressed in full battle armor, ready to die on the hill of coffee superiority.
Here's the thing about ego - it's not some mystical force or psychological bogyman. It's that part of you that turns a conversation about coffee into a debate about your worth as a human being. It's the voice that whispers, "They're undermining you," when your coworker suggests a different approach to a project. It's the force that makes you check your phone after posting on social media, hungry for validation.
Scientists might call it a mental construct. Philosophers have written volumes about it. But for us regular folks? It's that thing that makes us feel like we're under attack when someone disagrees with our pizza topping choices.
The Protector That Never Sleeps
Your ego developed as a survival tool. Back when we were dodging sabertooth tigers, it helped us stay alive by maintaining a strong sense of self. Today, it's still trying to protect you, but the threats have changed. Instead of tigers, it's protecting you from:
The sting of rejection
The pain of failure
The fear of not being enough
But here's where it gets tricky. Your ego is like that overprotective parent who never got the memo that you grew up. It means well, but sometimes it needs to chill.
The Art of Ego Whispering
I spent years trying to "kill my ego" through meditation and self-help books. Spoiler alert: it doesn't work. Your ego is part of you, like your shadow on a sunny day. You can't kill it, but you can learn to βdanceβ with it.
Here's what's working for me:
1. The Offense Game
When someone criticizes your work, your ego screams "How dare they!" Try this instead: take a breath and ask, "Is there something here I can use?" It's like turning down the volume on a speaker that's been blasting at max level.
2. The Winning Trap
I used to think every conversation was a debate to be won. Now I ask myself, "Would I rather be right or happy?" Sometimes, being happy means letting your brother believe his French press coffee is superior (even though it's clearly not... just kidding).
3. The Right Fight
Next time you're about to launch into a heated explanation of why you're right, pause. Ask yourself: "Is this about truth, or is this about me?" You'd be surprised how often it's the latter.
4. The Comparison Game
Your ego loves the game of "better than/ worse than." It's exhausting. Try this: when you catch yourself playing it, switch to "different than." It's liberating.
5. The Enough Practice
Every time you feel the urge for more - more recognition, more stuff, more validation - ask yourself: "What if this is enough?" Sit with that question. It's uncomfortable. That's good.
6. The Achievement Dance
Your achievements are like clothes - nice to have, important even, but not who you are. Don't let your ego convince you that your worth comes from your last win.
7. The Opinion Diet
Here's a liberating truth: most people are too busy thinking about themselves to think about you. Let that sink in. Feel the freedom in it.
The Real Talk
Some days, I nail this stuff. Other days, I find myself in hour-long debates about coffee. That's okay. Making friends with your ego isn't about perfection - it's about progress.
It's about catching yourself mid-eye-roll and choosing curiosity instead of judgment. It's about learning to laugh at yourself when you notice your ego puffing up like a threatened peacock.
The goal isn't to become some ego-less zen master. It's to develop a friendly nod-and-wave relationship with that part of yourself that's trying so hard to protect you from a world that's not nearly as threatening as it thinks.
Start small. Maybe today, when someone says something you disagree with, try asking "Tell me more" instead of launching into your counterargument. Your ego might grumble, but that's okay. You're teaching it a new dance, and like any dance, it takes practice.
And hey, if you mess up? That's fine, too. Your ego isn't going anywhere. Might as well learn to work with it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go call my brother and tell him his coffee isn't actually terrible. Baby steps, right?
SHORT STORY
Invisible Wings
Photo by Karupu
Brian traced his finger along the rim of his coffee mug, watching the steam rise in lazy spirals into the Austin morning air. From his spot at Mozart's Coffee Roasters, he could see the sun painting Lady Bird Lake in shades of amber and gold. The early joggers were out, their rhythmic footfalls on the trail below creating a steady drumbeat to accompany the birdsong.
"Daddy, look!" Emma's voice pierced through his thoughts. His nine-year-old daughter pointed excitedly at a monarch butterfly that had landed on their table. "It's so pretty!"
Brian smiled, grateful for his weekend custody. These moments with Emma were like oxygen, sustaining him through the lonely weeks between visits. "It sure is, sweetie."
The butterfly flexed its wings lazily, unaware of its own splendor. Brian pulled out his phone to take a picture, but the notification banner at the top of his screen caught his eye: "No new matches today" β a daily reminder from the dating app he'd installed three months ago.
He locked the screen quickly, but not before Emma noticed his frown. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, kiddo. Just grown-up stuff." He forced a smile, but Emma had her mother's perception.
"Is it about dating?" She took a bite of her chocolate croissant, scattering flakes across the table. "Mom says you should get out more."
Brian's chest tightened. Of course Sarah would say that. She'd moved on seamlessly, already engaged to a tech executive who took her to wine country on weekends. Meanwhile, Brian's dating life was a desert of awkward coffee meetings and ghosted conversations.
"Dating's complicated, Em."
"Why? You're awesome. You make the best pancakes, and you know all about stars, and you can fix anything!"
Brian chuckled, but it felt hollow. If only the women of Austin shared his daughter's assessment. His last date had been with a yoga instructor who spent the evening talking about her spiritual journey through Nepal. He'd felt hopelessly mundane in comparison, with his stories about software debugging and weekend DIY projects.
The butterfly took flight, dancing on the morning breeze. Emma watched it go, delighted by its graceful departure. "Did you know butterflies can't see how pretty their wings are?" she asked, her voice full of that matter-of-fact wisdom unique to children.
Brian blinked. "They can't?"
"Nope. Ms. Rodriguez taught us about it in science class. They can see colors, but they can't see their own wings properly. Isn't that weird? They're so beautiful, but they don't know it."
Something about her words caught in Brian's throat. He thought about all the times he'd stared at his dating profile, second-guessing every word. About how he measured himself against Sarah's new fiancΓ©, against every successful man who seemed to navigate life with effortless charm.
"Hey, Dad?" Emma was looking at him intently now. "Are you like the butterfly?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know, not seeing how cool you are? Because you are cool. Even Joey at school said he wishes his dad knew as much about robots as you do."
Brian felt his eyes burn. When had his daughter become so wise?
A new notification pinged on his phone. Another dating app message, probably. But for the first time in months, he didn't feel compelled to check it immediately. Instead, he reached across the table and stole a bite of Emma's croissant, earning an indignant "Hey!"
They spent the rest of the morning by the lake, skipping stones and making up stories about the turtles sunning themselves on logs. Brian found himself laughing β really laughing β for the first time in what felt like forever.
That evening, after dropping Emma back at Sarah's, Brian didn't head straight home to his empty apartment. Instead, he drove to Mount Bonnell, climbing the steps as the sun began its descent over the hills. Other people were there β couples, families, friends β all sharing the same view but seeing it differently.
He pulled out his phone and opened the dating app, but instead of checking his matches, he went to edit his profile. He deleted the carefully crafted description he'd written to sound impressive. In its place, he wrote:
"Single dad. Software developer. Amateur astronomer. Makes decent pancakes. Still learning to see my own wings."
As he drove home under a sky full of stars, another monarch butterfly crossed his path, catching the last light of day on its wings. Brian smiled, thinking how strange it was that sometimes it takes a nine-year-old and an insect to teach you about your own worth.
The next morning, when his phone buzzed with a new notification, he didn't feel that familiar surge of anxiety. Whatever it was β match or no match β he was beginning to understand that his value wasn't in the swipes or the likes or the carefully curated profiles.
It was in pancake Sundays and robot stories and the way his daughter's eyes lit up when he named the constellations. It was in all the things he'd never thought to celebrate about himself, all the colors he couldn't see but others could.
Like a butterfly with invisible wings, he'd been beautiful all along. He was just finally learning to believe it.
BOOK⦠A CALL
Team of Teams: New Rules of Engagement for a Complex World
By General Stanley McChrystal (amazon link)
Picture this: You're a four-star general leading the most sophisticated military force in history. Yet you're getting beaten by a loosely organized network of insurgents. What do you do? If you're Stanley McChrystal, you tear up the traditional playbook and rewrite the rules of how teams work.
Why Should Men Read This?
Let's be real - whether you're leading a company, managing a project, or just trying to get your family to work together on house chores, this book hits βdifferentβ. It's not another dry management book. It's a battlefield-tested guide to thriving in our crazy, complex world.
The Big Aha Moment
McChrystal discovered something wild: The same organizational structure that made the U.S. military unbeatable in conventional warfare was making it fail against small, agile terrorist networks. Sound familiar? It's like being the big corporate guy getting outmaneuvered by nimble startups.
Key Takeaways for Modern Men
Ditch the Hero Complex
Stop trying to be the lone wolf who knows everything
Your strength lies in building connections, not just muscles
Leadership isn't about having all the answers
Embrace Shared Consciousness
Share information openly (yes, even the stuff that makes you look bad)
Build trust through transparency
Create an environment where it's safe to speak up
Adapt or Die
Yesterday's solutions won't fix today's problems
Stay flexible in your thinking
Learn to spot patterns, not just follow rules
The Cool Part for Daily Life
You know how your dad probably managed his team through command and control? That doesn't work anymore. Whether you're dealing with your kids, your team at work, or your weekend soccer club, success comes from building networks of trust and sharing information freely.
Best Quote to Drop at the Gym
"The temptation to lead as a chess master, controlling each move of the organization, must give way to an approach as a gardener, enabling rather than directing."
Who Should Read It?
Managers who feel like they're always putting out fires
Dads trying to coordinate family life
Anyone who's tired of old-school, top-down leadership
Men who want to lead without being tyrants
Fun Fact
McChrystal started doing one meal a day before it was cool - not for health reasons, but because he was too busy transforming how the military operated. Talk about dedication!
Bottom Line
This isn't just another business book. It's a guide to thriving in a world where being the strongest or smartest isn't enough anymore. It's about building relationships and networks that make everyone stronger.
Read this if you want to:
Lead without being a dictator
Build teams that actually work
Understand why your old management style isn't working
Get better results with less stress
Remember: The future belongs to those who can build and lead teams of teams. Are you ready to level up?
LAUGH LINE
Somebody invented a plate for that annoying last spaghetti.
Seen here.
WORD OF THE WEEK
"Sonder"
Pronunciation: /ΛsΙndΙr/
Definition:
The profound realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your ownβpopulated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries, and inherited crazinessβan epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you'll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
In the context of men's personal growth:
Sonder reminds us that our ego's constant self-focus is just one tiny piece of an infinite puzzle. When you're caught up worrying about your own worth or comparing yourself to others, remembering sonder can be a powerful way to step outside yourself and gain perspective.
Using it in a sentence:
"As Brian sat at the coffee shop feeling inadequate about his dating life, a moment of sonder struck him β every person around him was living their own complex story, fighting their own battles with self-worth, and possibly feeling just as uncertain as he was."
Note: While "sonder" was coined relatively recently (by John Koenig in The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows), it names a universal human experience that helps us break free from our ego's narrow view of the world.
POETRY IS COOL
save me an orange
(page 106)
by Hayley Grace (amazon link)
one day you will realize
you don't have to love someone
into loving you.
you don't have to fix everything
that has been broken
some broken things can't be fixed
and some broken people
don't want to be.
don't think less of yourself
because they can't be more for themselves
HANDWRITTEN MOTIVATION
Watch how this was drawn by Dare To Be Witty
βSTOP BUYING SH*T YOU DONβT NEED.β (MEL ROBBINS) π
βAutosaveβ - but for physical books
Ever lost sleep wondering why your bookmark isn't "smart" enough? Fear not, fellow reader! For just $3.99, you too can join the elite ranks of people who've automated the incredibly complex task of... checks notes... keeping their place in a book.
Why You Absolutely "Need" This:
Because folding the corner of the page makes you feel like a barbarian
Because holding your place with an old receipt makes you look poor
Because you've always wanted to tell people your bookmark is "smart"
Because apparently, moving a regular bookmark is too much work these days
Features That Will Change Your Life Forever:
It's made of silicone (like your phone case, but more pretentious)
You can write on it (revolutionary, I know)
It stays attached to the book (like... tape?)
It's "automatic" (meaning it does exactly what a regular bookmark does, but costs more)
Perfect For:
People who think regular bookmarks are too low-tech
Folks who have $3.99 burning a hole in their pocket
Anyone who's ever said, "You know what would make reading better? More gadgets!"
People who love explaining their "smart" bookmark to confused onlookers
The Real Talk:
Look, if you want to spend four bucks on a piece of silicone that does what a Post-it note could do, we're not judging. Okay, maybe we're judging a little. But hey, at least it's not another productivity app, right?
Amazon link
P.S. If you buy this, you're legally required to tell everyone at your next book club about your "smart" bookmark. It's in the terms and conditions... probably.
WOULD YOU HELP OUT?
BROTHER TO BROTHER
Here's a thought: That friend who's been quiet lately? The one who seems to have it all together but doesn't post much anymore? Maybe he needs this.
You know the one.
We all have that friend who's:
Crushing it at work but eating dinner alone
Looking good on LinkedIn but feeling lost inside
Being everyone's rock while carrying his own weight
This newsletter isn't about us growing numbers. It's about him. About you. About all of us finding our way together.
Forward this to that friend. Not with a big speech. Just a simple: "Made me think of you. Worth a read, brother."
That's it. One share. One friend. One moment of reaching out.
Because sometimes, all it takes is knowing someone's thinking of you.
π€π€
Real strength is helping others find theirs.