Virtus 👊 #012: Breaking Masks, Building Bonds, and Finding Power in Truth
What happens when we stop pretending to be strong and start being real?
In this mask-shattering twelfth issue:
Learn why the strength you're faking might be weaker than the truth you're hiding
Meet James and his father at the lake, where skipping rocks becomes a lesson in breaking cycles
Discover what science reveals about the real cost of "manning up"
Plus: A father-son classic that still hits hard 50 years later
This one's for every brother tired of pretending. For those ready to trade fake strength for real power. For anyone who needs to hear that the hardest thing you'll ever do might be admitting you don't have to be hard all the time.
Note: Your mask is heavy. And maybe, just maybe, that weight isn't making you stronger - it's just making you tired.
MAIN ARTICLE
Breaking the Mold: Challenging Traditional Definitions of Manhood
Photo by Italo Melo
"How's everything?" my brother asks over beers.
"Good," I say automatically. The same response I've given for twenty years. But this time, something feels different.
Maybe it's because I just spent an hour watching my teenage son try to hold it together after a rough day at school. Watched him force a smile and say "I'm fine" when his mom asked what was wrong. Watched him carry the weight I'd taught him to carry.
Without thinking, I set down my beer.
"Actually, no. Everything's not good."
My brother looks up, startled. We don't do this – this real talk thing. We do sports scores and work updates. Safe territory.
"I'm tired," I continue. "Not just need-more-sleep tired. Soul tired. And I bet you are too."
He stares at his bottle, peeling back the label. A full minute passes.
"Yeah," he finally says. "I am."
Here's what nobody tells you about being a man: The mask you wear to look strong becomes the cage that keeps you weak.
We suffer in silence because that's what we were taught. Because that's what our fathers did. Because that's what we think makes us men.
But here's the truth: Every man you know is fighting a battle you can't see.
Your buddy with the perfect job? He lies awake at 3 AM wondering if he's a fraud.
That guy at the gym who never misses a workout? He's building muscle because he feels powerless everywhere else.
We nod at each other with the guy code: "I'm good. You good? We're good."
All good. Never good.
The cost? It's killing us. Not quickly. Not dramatically. But slowly, silently, one suppressed emotion at a time.
The statistics tell the story:
Men are 3.5 times more likely to die by suicide than women
1 in 10 men experience depression and anxiety
Less than half seek help
But statistics are easy to ignore. They're just numbers. What's harder to ignore is watching your son inherit your silence.
The change starts with one truth told. One mask removed. One moment of choosing authenticity over appearance.
It's not about being weak. It's about being real.
Real strength? It's not in what you can carry alone. It's in what you're brave enough to share.
To my brother, who finally told me about his divorce after holding it in for a year. To my gym buddy, who admitted he goes to therapy. To my son, who needs to see that real men feel. To every man reading this:
You don't have to suffer in silence. You don't have to handle it alone. You don't have to be fine when you're not.
The mold was made for a world that no longer exists. A world where men had to be towers of silent strength.
Break it.
Talk to someone. Could be a friend. A brother. A professional. But talk.
Because here's what I've learned: The moment you open up, you give other men permission to do the same.
One crack in the armor becomes a door others can walk through. Or, as Remi says, The Cracks Are There to Let Our Light Out.
My brother and I? We talk for real now. Not always. Not about everything. But enough to know we're not alone.
And maybe that's where it starts. Not with grand gestures or complete transformations. But with one honest answer to…
"How are you?"
The world won't break if you tell the truth. But you might break if you don't.
Sources:
SHORT STORY
Different Waters
Photo by Ron Lach
James watched his son Ethan skip rocks across the lake, each stone making four, sometimes five jumps before sinking. The morning sun painted everything in gold, including the fresh tears on his father's face.
"You're going soft on him," his dad said, voice rough with forty years of 'manning up.' "That incident at school yesterday? When I was his age, you'd have been grounded for a month."
Ethan had stood up to a bully. Not with fists, but with words. Told the kid how his actions made others feel. Got sent to the principal's office for 'disrupting class.'
James had picked him up, bought him ice cream, and told him he was proud.
"Maybe I am going soft," James said, watching his son select another perfect skipping stone. "Or maybe I'm just choosing different waters."
His father shifted on the dock, uncomfortable with metaphors that felt too close to feelings. "In my day—"
"Your day broke us, Dad." James kept his voice gentle. This wasn't about blame. "How old was I when I started thinking I wasn't enough? When did you start? Ten? Eleven?"
Ethan was eleven now. Still hugged his friends goodbye. Still cried at sad movies. Still told James he loved him, right in front of his soccer team.
"We did the best we knew," his father said, smaller somehow.
"I know. And now I'm doing better, because you did enough to get me here."
A splash – Ethan had found a big one, six skips.
"Did you see that, Dad? Grandpa, did you see?"
"We saw, buddy." James grinned. "Want to know a secret about skipping rocks?"
Ethan ran over, all gangly limbs and unguarded enthusiasm.
"The stone doesn't need to be perfect," James said, picking up a rounded one, not the flat ones you're supposed to use. "It just needs to be brave enough to touch the water differently."
His father made a sound – something between a laugh and something else.
"Watch."
James threw. The round stone didn't skip as far, but it made its own kind of dance across the water.
"Cool!" Ethan grabbed a handful of imperfect rocks. "I'm going to try that!"
James felt his father's eyes on him. "That's not how I taught you."
"No," James agreed. "You taught me to find the perfect stone. To throw it the right way. To man up when it sank." He turned to face his father fully. "But Ethan doesn't need perfect stones, Dad. He needs to know it's okay to throw differently."
They watched Ethan experiment with rocks of all shapes, inventing new ways to make them dance across the water. His laughter echoed across the lake.
"Your mother thinks we failed you," his father said quietly. "All that tough love... she sees how you are with him, and she cries sometimes."
"You didn't fail, Dad. You got me close enough to the water to see a different way across."
Another splash. Another laugh.
"Grandpa, want to try? Dad showed me this cool new way!"
James watched his father hesitate, then stand. Watched him accept a lumpy, imperfect stone from Ethan's small hands.
"Show me," his father said.
And there by the lake, three generations of men learned new ways to make stones skip across old waters. Each throw a small rebellion. Each splash a new story being written.
Later, driving home, Ethan asked, "Dad, why was Grandpa crying?"
James checked the rearview mirror, caught his son's earnest eyes. "Because sometimes, buddy, it takes a lot of courage to do things differently."
"Like standing up to Brad at school?"
"Exactly like that. And you know what? Every time you choose to be brave and kind, even when it's hard, you make it easier for someone else to do the same."
Ethan thought about this. "Like skipping rocks a new way?"
James smiled. "Just like that, son. Just like that."
That night, James found a small, imperfect stone on his nightstand. Below it, a note in Ethan's crooked handwriting:
"Thanks for teaching me it's okay to be different. Love you, Dad."
He placed the stone on his windowsill, where the morning sun would find it. A reminder that sometimes the greatest act of love is breaking the mold you were cast in, so your child never has to fit into it.
Sometimes strength isn't about weathering the old waters. Sometimes it's about showing your son how to make new ones.
BOOK… A CALL
"The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love"
By bell hooks (amazon link - not an ad)
Every once in a while, a book comes along that doesn't just talk about masculinity - it cracks it wide open and lets the light in. This is that book.
You might be thinking:
"A woman writing about men's experience? How does that work?"
Here's the thing: Sometimes the clearest view comes from outside the forest. bell hooks (she writes her name like this intentionally) didn't write this book to tell men how to be men. She wrote it to show us what she saw after spending decades studying how society shapes both men and women.
Think of it like this: If you want to understand why fish swim in schools, you don't ask the fish - they're too busy swimming. You ask the person who's spent years watching the patterns.
hooks doesn't claim to know what it feels like to be a man. Instead, she shows us how the current system of masculinity affects us in ways we might be too close to see. She's like a spotter at the gym - she can see your form from an angle you can't.
The real question isn't whether a woman can write about men's experiences. The real question is: Are you willing to consider insights about yourself, regardless of their source?
After all, some of the best coaches in the NBA never played professional basketball. Sometimes the best insights come from someone who can see the whole court.
Why This Book Hits Different
While other books tell you what's wrong with being a man, hooks shows you what's possible when we stop performing masculinity and start living it. She gets that the current system hurts men as much as anyone else.
Core Truth Bombs
The tough guy act isn't protecting us - it's imprisoning us
Men suffer not because we're weak, but because we're taught to deny our full humanity
Love isn't soft - it's the hardest, bravest work we'll ever do
Real strength comes from being whole, not from being hard
Who Needs This
Men tired of wearing the mask
Fathers who want better for their sons
Guys questioning the "man up" mentality
Anyone ready to choose growth over protection
Best Quote to Drop in Life
"The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves."
The Real Talk
This isn't light reading. It's like looking in a mirror that shows you not just who you are, but who you could be. It might make you uncomfortable. Good. Growth usually does.
Why It Matters Now
In a world where men are either villains or victims, hooks offers a third way: we can be fully human. Not by rejecting masculinity, but by redefining it.
Action Steps After Reading
Start noticing when you're performing vs. being real
Practice expressing emotions beyond anger
Build connections based on authenticity, not strength
Challenge old patterns with conscious choices
Share your journey with other men
Bottom Line
This isn't about becoming less of a man. It's about becoming a whole human being.
Remember: The toughest thing you'll ever do is admit you don't have to be tough all the time.
MOO-SIC
"Cat's in the Cradle" - Harry Chapin
Ever have a song punch you in the gut? This one's been doing it to dads since 1974.
If you haven't listened to it in a while (or ever), grab your headphones. This isn't just a song - it's a warning about how patterns pass down when we're not paying attention.
The Story Hit
A father too busy for his son. A son who learns the lesson too well. The cycle continues. Sound familiar?
Best Lines to Sit With:
"When you coming home, Dad?" "I don't know when" "But we'll get together then" "You know we'll have a good time then"
And the gut punch at the end: "As I hung up the phone, it occurred to me He'd grown up just like me My boy was just like me"
Why It Matters Now
In an age of hustle culture and constant connectivity, this 1974 song hits harder than ever. We're all "just one more email" away from missing the moments that matter.
When to Listen
When you're about to skip another family dinner for work
When you catch yourself saying "later" too often
When you need a reminder that time doesn't wait for perfect moments
Remember: This song isn't destiny - it's a wake-up call. The patterns only continue if we let them.
🎵 Listen on Spotify
SCIENCE BEACH
The Numbers Don't Lie: Why Men's Mental Health Needs a New Playbook
A 2023 study in the American Journal of Men's Health laid out what many of us feel but don't say.
Photo by Alexander Zvir
The Breakdown
Researchers analyzed decades of data and found something crucial: the "man up" approach isn't just failing - it's hurting us.
The Numbers Hit Different
Only 27% of men seek help when dealing with depression
Guys who buy into traditional masculinity are 2.4 times less likely to seek mental health care
Men who express emotions have 1.8 times better health outcomes
The kicker? 81% of men would help a friend with mental health struggles, but only 38% would seek help themselves
The Cool Factor
Here's where it gets interesting: The study found that men respond better to mental health support when it's framed as:
Problem-solving rather than therapy
Strength-building rather than healing
Action-oriented rather than talk-focused
Real-World Impact
Men who break free from traditional mental health stigma show:
Better physical health
Stronger relationships
Higher job satisfaction
Lower stress levels
The Power Move
Start treating your mental health like you treat your physical health:
Regular check-ins aren't weak - they're maintenance
Seeking help isn't failure - it's strategic
Prevention beats crisis management every time
Bottom Line
The science is clear: the old playbook isn't working. Time for a new game plan.
Source: "Men's Mental Health: A Call to Action" - American Journal of Men's Health (2023)
ABOUT MENQUILIBRIUM
We see you.
The real you - not who the world says you should be.
This isn't about fixing you. You're not broken. This is about walking together, finding strength in our struggles, and building on what's already within us.
What you'll find here:
Real talk, no sugar-coating
Tools that work, not quick fixes
Brothers who get it, not critics
What you won't find:
Motivational fluff
"Alpha male" nonsense
Empty promises
Each week, we remind each other:
Your path is yours!
Your effort counts!
Your story matters!
Know someone who needs this? Send it their way.
🤜🤛
Truth is, we're all climbing. Might as well climb together.