Virtus 👊 #016: The Quiet Battle. When Habits Become Chains, Empty Comfort, and the Science of Breaking Free.
From borrowed happiness and microwave reflections to plastic brains and bridges under darkness - a raw look at the patterns we build and the paths to freedom.
In this chain-breaking sixteenth issue:
Explore how the line between habits and handcuffs is thinner than we think, and why the strongest move isn't always gritting our teeth harder.
Through Jack's story of "borrowed happiness," discover how treats become traps and rewards become requirements.
Learn why Beautiful Boy shows us what love looks like in the trenches of addiction, without judgment or easy answers.
Find unexpected wisdom in Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Under the Bridge" - a raw confession about filling emptiness with substitutes.
Discover Stanford's revolutionary research on neural plasticity and why change is always possible.
Plus: A practical guide to finding help without shame. Because you deserve to live without chains.
Pour your coffee slowly. This one's for every brother carrying invisible weight. For those fighting silent battles. For anyone ready to trade borrowed happiness for real freedom.
Note: There's strength in speaking truth. But there's even more strength in knowing when to reach for help.
MAIN ARTICLE
The Quiet Battle: When Habits Become Chains
Photo by D'Vaughn Bell
I watched Tom check his phone again. Fourth time in two minutes. Each glance followed by that familiar mix of relief and shame we've all felt at some point.
"Trading stocks," he said, catching my eye. "Just keeping track of the market."
But we both knew it wasn't about the stocks. Just like my third coffee wasn't about the caffeine, or Jake's "one quick game" wasn't about the game.
Here's what nobody talks about in the locker room: The line between habits and handcuffs is thinner than we think. And most of us are dancing closer to it than we'd like to admit.
Maybe it's the drinks that started as social lubricant and now feel more like survival gear. Maybe it's the porn that went from occasional escape to daily necessity. Maybe it's the gambling that stopped being about winning money and started being about feeling something.
We don't talk about these things. Not really. We joke about being "addicted to the grind" or "hooked on success." Safe addictions. Acceptable ones. But the real ones? Those we carry alone.
The Safety Rope
The thing about chains is they often start as safety ropes. Something to hold onto when life gets shaky. A way to feel in control when everything else feels random.
Your brain doesn't care if it's alcohol, porn, gambling, or endless social media scrolling. It just knows this thing makes the noise stop for a while. Makes the world feel manageable. Until it doesn't.
And then we add shame to the mix. Because men should be stronger than this, right? Should have more control. Better discipline.
But here's the truth: Control isn't about white-knuckling through each day. Real control often starts with admitting when something else has taken the wheel.
The Reality Check
I see you:
Deleting the app for the fifth time today
Promising "last time" again
Wondering if anyone else fights this battle
You're not alone. Not even close.
The numbers don't lie:
1 in 3 men struggle with some form of addiction
Most wait 6+ years before talking about it
90% never seek help
Not because they're weak. But because somewhere along the way, we learned that struggling means failing.
It doesn't.
The Way Forward
Sometimes the strongest move isn't gritting your teeth harder. Sometimes it's looking at your safety rope and admitting it's become a chain.
First steps forward:
Name it to yourself first
Find one person you can be real with
Remember: seeking help is strategy, not surrender
Tom still checks his phone too much. I still drink more coffee than I should. We're all works in progress.
But maybe that's the point. Maybe real strength isn't in never struggling. Maybe it's in being honest about our battles. In reaching out before the habits become handcuffs.
Because here's what I've learned watching brothers fight this fight: The chains get heavier in silence. Lighter when shared.
Your move: Look at your habits honestly. Are they still serving you, or are you serving them?
You don't have to answer that question alone.
SHORT STORY
Borrowed Happiness
Photo by Eric Sanman
Jack stared at his reflection in the microwave door as it hummed, warming up his second helping of takeout pad thai. The glass showed a blurred version of himself – softer around the edges than he remembered being.
"Just this once," he muttered, the same words he'd used yesterday. And the day before. The same words that had slowly transformed his "Friday treat" into a nightly ritual.
The microwave beeped. In the fridge, six craft beers stood at attention, down from the twelve he'd bought "for the week" on Monday. Premium stuff – because if you're going to treat yourself, do it right. That's what the voice in his head always said, the one that sounded suspiciously like justification wearing wisdom's clothes.
He grabbed a beer, practiced at popping the cap one-handed. The first sip still tasted like reward, like completion, like the period at the end of another demanding day.
His phone buzzed – a reminder he'd set weeks ago: "Gym tomorrow 6AM."
Delete.
"I'll start next week," he told his reflection in the window. "After this project wraps up." The same project that had been "almost done" for three months now.
The pad thai was perfect – spicy enough to justify another beer. He sank into his couch, the leather accepting him with a familiar sigh. When had the cushion become so shaped to his body?
His Apple Watch vibrated: "Your heart rate is elevated while sleeping."
He'd been ignoring these notifications lately, just like he'd been ignoring how his dress shirts felt tighter, how climbing the stairs to his apartment left him winded, how he couldn't remember the last time he'd slept through the night without waking up sweating.
"What am I supposed to do?" he asked his empty apartment. "Work hard, don't enjoy anything?" The beer in his hand felt like his only friend some nights. The food, his only comfort.
The thing about borrowed happiness is this: the interest rate is killer.
Each "treat" was a loan taken out against tomorrow's wellbeing. Each "just this once" added to a debt his body was keeping careful track of, even if his mind refused to check the balance.
His phone lit up again – James asking if he wanted to join the weekend hiking group they'd talked about at work.
"Maybe next time," he typed back, the same response he'd been giving to life lately. Next time. Next week. After things settle down.
But things never settled down, did they? There was always another project, another deadline, another reason why today was too hard, too stressful, too deserving of reward.
The pad thai container was empty now. He didn't remember finishing it.
In the kitchen, he reached for another beer, then stopped. For the first time in months, he really looked at what he was doing. Not at the action, but at the pattern. The way each reward had become routine. The way each comfort had become chains.
"I deserve this," he whispered, but the words sounded different now. Hollow.
Because maybe the truth was he deserved more than borrowed happiness. More than temporary relief that left him feeling worse. More than rewards that had become requirements.
His phone buzzed again. James, persistent: "No pressure, but we'd love to have you there. Even if you can't do the whole trail."
Jack looked at the beer in his hand, still unopened. Looked at his reflection, distorted but clear enough to see the choice in front of him.
Sometimes the hardest thing isn't admitting you have a problem. It's admitting that your solution has become one.
"Count me in," he typed back to James. "But I might be slow."
"That's cool," James replied instantly. "We all start somewhere."
Jack put the unopened beer back in the fridge. Tomorrow would be hard. The cravings would come, the justifications would whisper their sweet promises.
But maybe, just maybe, it was time to stop borrowing happiness from a future self who was getting tired of paying the debt.
He set a new reminder on his phone: "It's okay to start slow."
For the first time in months, it didn't feel like a lie.
BOOK… A CALL
Beautiful Boy
by David Sheff (amazon link - not an ad)
Look, most books about addiction either preach from a mountaintop or wallow in rock bottom. This one does neither. Instead, it shows you what love looks like in the trenches.
Why This Book Hits Different
Written by a father, not a therapist or expert
Shows addiction from both sides of the mirror
No easy answers, no judgment, just raw truth
Proves you can love someone while hating what's happening
Core Truth Bombs
Addiction isn't about weakness or character
The person you love is still in there
Recovery isn't a straight line
You can't force healing, but you can be ready when it comes
Who Needs This
Men watching someone they love struggle
Guys questioning their own patterns
Anyone who needs to understand it's not about willpower
Brothers carrying guilt about someone else's battle
Best Quote to Drop at the Gym
"We are all good people caught in a bad situation."
The Real Talk
This isn't a how-to guide for beating addiction. It's a story about what happens when love meets reality. About how sometimes the strongest thing you can do is admit you can't fix everything.
Why It Matters Now
In a world that's getting louder, faster, and more addictive by the day, we all need to understand what's happening to the people we love - and maybe to ourselves.
Action Steps After Reading
Look at your own patterns with honest eyes
Practice loving without enabling
Learn the difference between helping and rescuing
Start conversations that matter
Bottom Line
You don't need another book telling you what's wrong. You need a story showing you you're not alone in this fight. This is that story.
Remember: Understanding addiction doesn't mean accepting it. It means seeing the human beneath the habit.
PS: There is also the movie version on Prime. Check it out!
MOO-SIC
"Under The Bridge" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Remember when this track first hit in '91? Most people thought it was just another RHCP song. But Anthony Kiedis wasn't writing about some girl or party - he was telling his truth about addiction and loneliness in the most vulnerable way possible.
Why This Track Hits Different
The song starts lonely but ends in connection. Kind of like the journey from addiction to healing. Kiedis took his darkest moments and turned them into something that helped millions feel less alone.
The Track Breakdown
Starts with isolation ("Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner")
Builds to confession ("Under the bridge downtown, is where I drew some blood")
Rises to hope ("I don't ever want to feel like I did that day")
Ends in community ("Under the bridge downtown, I could not get enough")
When to Hit Play
When you're feeling alone in the struggle
Before making that tough first call for help
When you need to remember others have walked this path
After a hard day when the old habits call
The Real Talk
This isn't just a song about addiction - it's about what happens when we use anything (substances, habits, even cities) to fill a hole that can only be filled by connection.
Power Move
Listen to it twice. First time, hear the melody. Second time, really hear the words. Notice how Kiedis isn't glorifying or condemning - he's just telling his truth. Sometimes that's all we need to do.
Remember: The city he's singing about? It's different for everyone. Could be a bottle, a screen, a habit that started as comfort and became a cage. But the way out is always the same - through connection.
🎵 Take a listen. Let it remind you that even your darkest moments can become a bridge to something better.
SCIENCE BEACH
The Plastic Brain: Science Reveals Why Change Is Always Possible
Here's something wild: Your brain is more adaptable than we thought. New research from Stanford's Neuroscience Institute shows that our neural pathways keep changing throughout our lives – not just when we're young.
The Research Drop
Scientists tracked brain changes in adults aged 25-60 over two years. They found something revolutionary: Your brain can form new pathways at any age. More importantly, the stronger a habit gets, the stronger your brain's ability to form new alternatives becomes.
The Numbers Hit Different
Neural pathways can shift in as little as 66 days
The brain forms new connections even while you sleep
People who believe in change show 34% more neural plasticity
Small wins trigger the same reward pathways as big victories
Why This Matters
Remember how we used to think brain patterns were fixed after childhood? Turns out that's not true. Your brain is like a landscape that's always ready for new paths – even if the old ones seem deeply worn.
The Cool Factor
Here's the really interesting part: The same brain mechanisms that make habits stick can be used to create new ones. It's like your brain comes with built-in road-building equipment.
Real World Impact
The study found that:
Small consistent changes beat big irregular ones
Every positive choice strengthens your brain's "change muscles"
Supporting others actually speeds up your own brain's adaptation
Connection and community accelerate positive brain changes
The Power Move
Instead of fighting old pathways, focus on building new ones:
Start tiny (your brain loves small wins)
Stay consistent (that's how paths get carved)
Connect with others (social support boosts brain plasticity)
Celebrate small victories (they literally rewire your brain)
Bottom Line
Science isn't judging your current paths. It's showing you that new ones are always possible. Your brain doesn't care about your past – it's ready to build something new right now.
Source: "Neural Plasticity in Adult Behavior Change" - Stanford Neuroscience Institute (2024)
Remember: Every time you make a different choice, you're not just acting differently – you're literally building a new path in your brain. And your brain? It's always ready for construction.
A Note About Getting Help
Look, brother. You've read this far. Maybe something resonated. Maybe you recognized yourself in these words. Maybe you're tired of carrying this weight alone.
Here's the truth: You deserve to live without chains. Not because you've hit rock bottom. Not because things are desperate. But simply because you deserve to feel free again.
Where to Start (in the US)
These organizations get it. No judgment. No shame. Just humans helping humans find their way back:
SAMHSA's National Helpline
1-800-662-4357 (HELP)
Available 24/7
English and Spanish
They'll just talk. No pressure. No records.
Smart Recovery
Science-based approach
Online and in-person meetings
For people who want options beyond traditional programs
Psychology Today's Therapist Finder
Filter by specialty, insurance, location
Read about their approach before reaching out
Many offer sliding scale fees
Recovery Dharma
recoverydharma.org
Mindfulness-based approach
Welcomes everyone, no religious requirement
Online and local meetings
Why These Matter
They're not here to fix you. You're not broken. They're just people who understand that sometimes we all need a map when we're in unfamiliar territory.
The First Step
You don't have to have it all figured out. You don't need a plan. You don't even need to be sure you're ready for change.
Just save these numbers. Bookmark these sites. Hold onto them like tools in your back pocket. They'll be there when you decide it's time.
Because here's what I know: The strongest men aren't the ones who never need help. They're the ones who know how to find it when they do.
🤜🤛
Remember: You didn't build those chains in a day. You don't have to break them in a day either. But you don't have to carry them forever.
ABOUT MENQUILIBRIUM
We're not life coaches or gurus. Just men walking beside other men on the path to better.
This isn't about fixing you. You're not broken. (I’m obsessing about this).
It's about finding strength in honesty and growth in connection.
What you'll find here:
Real talk, no sugar-coating
Tools that work, not quick fixes
Brothers who get it
Know someone who needs this? Send it their way.
🤜🤛
We rise by lifting others.
Like the sunrise, change happens gradually. We're building a platform where men can find their balance, together. Your support today helps lay the foundation for tomorrow.
Early supporters will receive Founder status when our app launches in late 2025.