Virtus 👊 #020: The Weight of What If - From Winter's Echo to Spring's Action
A man's guide to transforming life's heaviest questions into tomorrow's clearest answers.
Summary: This February 22nd issue explores the delicate tension between past regrets and future possibilities, arriving at the cusp of winter's end when many reflect on paths not taken. Through personal stories and scientific insights, it examines how we can transform the weight of "what if" into the momentum of "what next."
Key takeaways include:
Beyond Regret: How our tendency to dwell on past choices often masks deeper truths about our values and desires, and why these insights can serve as compass points for future decisions rather than anchors holding us back.
The Power of Present Action: Through Michael's story of finally starting that long-delayed garden with his teenage daughter, we see how it's never too late to transform regret into growth, even if the timing isn't perfect.
Scientific Foundation: University of Illinois research reveals how our brains are naturally wired for fresh starts, especially during seasonal transitions, with temporal landmarks serving as powerful reset buttons for decision-making and motivation.
The message finds particular resonance in late February: Just as nature prepares for spring's renewal, we too can use this transition point to transform our "what ifs" into action. Matt Haig's "The Midnight Library" provides a framework for understanding how past choices inform future ones, while Disturbed's powerful rendition of "The Sound of Silence" reminds us that our heaviest regrets often contain our most important truths.
Whether wrestling with career choices, relationships, or personal goals, the path forward becomes clear: acknowledge the weight of past decisions not as burden but as ballast, using these insights to chart a course toward intentional action rather than endless speculation.
The newsletter ultimately argues that while we can't change our past choices, we can choose how those choices change us - turning the weight of regret into the wisdom of experience.
MAIN ARTICLE
The Weight of "What If": Trading Yesterday's Questions for Tomorrow's Actions
I watched James stare at his phone last night, thumb hovering over his ex's number. Ten years since their split. A decade of "what ifs" heavy enough to bend his shoulders.
"Sometimes I wonder if I made the right call," he said, putting the phone away.
"If I'd stayed..."
We all carry these questions. They sit in our chest like stones:
- What if I'd taken that job?
- What if I'd moved cities?
- What if I'd said yes instead of no?
- What if I'd been braver?
But here's what nobody tells you about "what ifs" - they're stones you can put down.
Think about it.
Every minute spent replaying old choices is a minute you're not using to make new ones. Every hour lost in yesterday's possibilities is an hour stolen from tomorrow's reality.
Your past isn't a prison. It's a textbook.
Read it. Learn from it. But don't live in it.
Because while you're wondering "what if," life is asking "what now?"
How to Shift from Past Weight to Future Momentum
1. Name Your Stones
Write down your "what ifs"
Feel their weight
Notice which ones matter most
2. Extract Their Lessons
What values do these regrets reveal?
What choices reflect those values now?
What patterns need breaking?
3. Build New Questions
Instead of "What if I had..."
Ask "What can I..."
Instead of "If only I'd..."
Ask "How will I..."
Your future isn't waiting for you to fix your past. It's waiting for you to use your past to build something new.
James didn't call his ex that night. Instead, he opened his laptop and finally started the business plan he'd been putting off. Because sometimes the best way to handle old "what ifs" is to create new "what is."
Your Move
Take one "what if" that's been weighing you down. Turn it into a "what next."
Not tomorrow. Not next week. Now.
Because while you can't change yesterday, you can decide what yesterday changes in you.
What weight will you put down today?
SHORT STORY
Spring Seeds: A Story of Time and Choice
Michael stood in his garage, staring at the dusty collection of garden tools he'd bought five springs ago. Tags still on. Dreams still wrapped in plastic.
"Next year," he'd told his daughter each time she asked about the vegetable garden he'd promised. "When things settle down at work."
She'd stopped asking two years ago.
The February sun cast long shadows through the garage windows, turning his abandoned tools into accusatory silhouettes. His phone buzzed - another email from work. Another crisis that needed his attention. Another reason to push life into some imaginary future where time would magically appear.
He picked up a trowel, price tag faded but still clinging to the handle. Forty-five dollars. Premium grade. The best tool for a garden he'd never started.
"Dad?" Emma's voice startled him. Sixteen now, almost unrecognizable from the eleven-year-old who'd bounced with excitement when he'd bought these tools. "Mom says dinner's ready."
He turned, trowel still in hand. "Remember when we were going to grow tomatoes?"
"And cucumbers," she said, leaning against the doorframe. "And those purple carrots you saw on YouTube."
"I really meant to."
"I know." No accusation in her voice. Just the quiet understanding of someone who'd learned to expect promises to fade like old price tags.
Michael looked at the trowel, then at his phone as another email notification lit up the screen. The same choice he'd made a thousand times before.
But maybe that was the point. It had always been a choice.
"Hey Emma," he said, setting his phone down on the workbench. "Want to help me clean these tools?"
She raised an eyebrow. "It's February, Dad."
"Perfect time to start a garden." He pulled a bag of seeds from a drawer - forgotten soldiers from five years ago. "If these aren't too old to try, neither am I."
"Mom's got dinner ready..."
"She can wait five minutes." He held out the trowel. "What do you say? Want to help your old man turn some regrets into radishes?"
A smile crept across her face - smaller than the ones she'd given five years ago, but real. "Those seeds are probably dead."
"Then we'll buy new ones." He started pulling tools from their dusty retirement. "But these dreams aren't."
Together, they carried the tools into the cold February air. The ground was still hard with winter, but as Michael drove the shovel into the earth, he felt something inside him crack open too.
Sometimes the seeds we plant aren't just about gardens.
Sometimes they're about showing the people we love that it's never too late to turn "what if" into "what now."
Even if the soil isn't perfect. Even if the timing isn't right. Even if the seeds are five years old.
Because while regrets might look back, seeds only grow forward.
That night, Michael left his phone on silent while he and Emma researched planting schedules and drew garden plots. His inbox filled with unread emails, but his heart filled with something better - the weight of "what if" finally giving way to the lightness of "what's next."
Come spring, their garden might not yield much. But as he watched Emma sketch plans for her own corner of the plot, Michael knew:
Some harvests aren't measured in vegetables.
BOOK… A CALL
The Midnight Library
By Matt Haig (amazon link - not an ad)
Ever pick up a book that feels like it's reading you instead of the other way around? That's what Haig does here. He takes that weight of "what if" we all carry and turns it into something you can actually use.
Why This Book Hits Different:
Not another self-help manual telling you to "let go"
Shows you what holding onto regrets actually costs
Uses story to reveal truth instead of preaching it
Proves that your parallel lives exist in your choices today
Core Truth Bombs:
Your regrets show you what you value most
Each "what if" points to a "what next"
The perfect life doesn't exist, but the right one does
Sometimes the path not taken wasn't better - just different
Who Needs This:
Guys stuck in the loop of past decisions
Men at crossroads wondering about old choices
Anyone tired of carrying the weight of "what if"
Brothers ready to turn regret into action
Best Quote to Drop at the Gym:
"The only way to learn is to live."
The Real Talk:
This isn't about pretending your choices didn't matter. It's about understanding why they mattered and what that tells you about your next move. Haig gives you a map for turning yesterday's regrets into tomorrow's compass.
Why It Matters Now:
We're all standing in life's crossroads right now. This book shows you how to use your past choices to make better future ones, without getting stuck in between.
Action Steps After Reading:
List your heaviest "what ifs"
Find the value hidden in each regret
Turn those values into forward action
Start one thing your future self won't regret
Bottom Line:
You can keep carrying those "what ifs" like stones in your pocket, or you can use them to build something new. This book shows you how to do the second one.
Remember: Your parallel lives aren't lost in the past. They're waiting in the choices you make today.
MOO-SIC
"The Sound of Silence" - Disturbed's Version of Simon & Garfunkel's Classic
Sometimes the heaviest conversations happen in silence. Disturbed took Simon & Garfunkel's whispered warning and turned it into a thundering wake-up call about the weight of words left unsaid.
The Track Breakdown:
Starts in darkness (like those 3 AM thoughts we all know)
Builds through isolation into connection
Explodes into clarity when the truth can't be contained
Ends with a choice: keep silent or speak up
Why This Track Hits Different:
Most covers try to copy the original. Disturbed didn't just cover this song - they translated it for everyone who's ever felt the weight of things left unsaid. In David Draiman's voice, you hear every "what if" that keeps you up at night.
When to Hit Play:
During that workout when you're fighting your own silence
Before having that conversation you've been putting off
When you need strength to turn thoughts into actions
As a reminder that you're not alone in your midnight questions
The Real Talk:
The "sound of silence" isn't just about being quiet. It's about all those moments we choose not to speak, not to act, not to change. Until that silence becomes so loud it demands to be broken.
Power Move:
Listen to it twice. First time with headphones in the dark. Second time while writing down what you need to say out loud. Then go say it.
Remember: The heaviest silence isn't the one around you. It's the one inside you, waiting to become words, then actions.
🎵 Let it remind you that every moment of silence is a choice. And maybe it's time to make a different one.
SCIENCE BEACH
The Science of Second Chances: Why Your Brain is Built for Fresh Starts
Recent research from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign published in Social Psychological and Personality Science reveals something fascinating about how our brains handle regret and fresh starts.
The Research Drop:
Scientists studied 6,182 participants across four different experiments, examining how people process regret and make new decisions. The findings? Your brain literally treats temporal landmarks (like new seasons or months) as reset buttons.
The Numbers Hit Different:
86% of participants showed increased motivation after temporal landmarks
Decision-making improved by 23% when framed as a fresh start
Action-taking increased 41% when linked to natural transition points
The "fresh start effect" lasted an average of 68 days
The Cool Factor:
Think about how your brain responds to spring cleaning or New Year's resolutions. It's not just cultural - it's neurological. Your brain is literally wired to embrace fresh starts, especially during natural transition points like seasonal changes.
Real World Impact:
The research shows three key ways to use this brain feature:
Natural transitions (like seasons) boost decision-making power
Self-created landmarks can trigger the same effect
The brain processes "fresh starts" differently from regular changes
The Power Move:
Instead of fighting your past choices, use transition points as natural reset buttons. The research suggests:
Use seasonal changes as decision catalysts
Create clear "before and after" markers
Frame changes around external transitions
Build new habits during natural landmarks
Bottom Line:
You're not just imagining that spring feels like a perfect time for change. Your brain is literally primed for fresh starts during natural transitions. Science says: use it.
Source: Dai, H., Milkman, K. L., & Riis, J. (2021). "The Fresh Start Effect: Temporal Landmarks Motivate Aspirational Behavior." Social Psychological and Personality Science, 12(5), 996-1004.
Remember: Your brain already has the hardware for fresh starts. You just need to learn to click the reset button.
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