Virtus 👊 #013: The Art of Being There: When Fixing Less Means Connecting More
Are you tired of solving problems but missing connections?
In this connection-building thirteenth issue:
Discover why your problem-solving superpower might be your relationship kryptonite
Meet Mark, who learns that sometimes growth happens sideways in his garden of second chances
Explore the science behind why being heard matters more than being helped
Find wisdom in Bill Withers' simple truth about leaning on each other
Learn the surprisingly simple skill that could transform your relationships
Pour your coffee and set down that mental toolbox for a minute. This one's for every brother who's ever tried to fix his way into deeper connections. For those who excel at solving problems but struggle with simply being present. For anyone ready to learn that sometimes, the strongest move is putting down the solutions and picking up the art of being there.
Note: Your solutions are solid. Your intentions are good. But what if the best fix is learning when not to fix at all?
MAIN ARTICLE
The Silent Dance: What Most Men Get Wrong About Building Real Connection
Photo by Viktoria Goda
"Just tell me what's wrong so I can fix it."
I said these words to Sarah last night. The same words that have ended a thousand conversations between couples. The same words that have built walls where bridges should be.
She looked at me with those eyes – you know the ones. The ones that say "you still don't get it." And she was right. I didn't.
Here's what nobody tells you about connection: The urge to fix things is often what breaks them.
Think about it.
When was the last time you tried to solve a problem that wasn't asking to be solved? When your partner shared a struggle, and you jumped straight to solutions?
We're builders, fixers, problem-solvers. It's what we do. It's who we are.
But here's the truth: Sometimes a broken thing isn't asking to be fixed. Sometimes it's asking to be heard.
The Fix-It Trap
We treat emotional connections like mechanical problems:
Input issue → Apply solution
See distress → Provide answer
Hear problem → Offer fix
But people aren't machines. Relationships aren't engines you can tune.
The Real Problem
The distance in your relationship isn't because you can't solve problems. It's because you're trying to solve the wrong ones.
Your partner shares a work struggle. You offer three solutions. What they wanted? Someone to say "that sounds hard. Tell me more."
Your girlfriend talks about her fears. You list reasons she shouldn't be afraid. What she needed? Someone to sit with her in that fear for a moment.
The Shift That Changes Everything
Stop trying to fix the problem. Start trying to understand the person.
Instead of:
"Here's what you should do..."
"Why don't you just..."
"The solution is simple..."
Try:
"Help me understand..."
"What's that like for you?"
"I hear you..."
The Power of Presence
True connection happens in the spaces between words. In the moments when you:
Listen without planning your response
Stay present without reaching for solutions
Hold space without trying to fill it
The Hard Truth
This isn't about becoming less capable. It's about becoming more connected.
You can still be the guy who fixes things. Just learn when to put down the tools and simply be there.
The Practice
Notice the urge to fix
Take a breath
Ask yourself: "Are they sharing or seeking solutions?"
If sharing → Listen
If seeking solutions → Ask if they want them
The Reality Check
Will this feel uncomfortable? Yes.
Will it feel like you're not doing enough? Probably.
Will it strengthen your relationships? Absolutely.
The Bottom Line
You don't have to stop being a problem solver. You just have to learn when problems need solving and when they need witnessing.
Because sometimes the strongest thing you can do isn't fixing the problem.
It's being strong enough to just be there while someone sorts through it themselves.
That's not weakness. That's wisdom.
And wisdom? That's something worth building.
SHORT STORY
Growing Season
Photo by Anna Tarazevich
Mark stood in Lisa's garden, watching his new wife battle with a stubborn tomato plant. She'd been trying to train it up a trellis for weeks, but it kept growing sideways, reaching for something only it could see.
"Want me to fix that for you?" The words came automatically, like muscle memory from his first marriage. Fifteen years of solving problems, checking boxes, moving forward. It had worked, in its way. He and Jennifer were still friends, great co-parents to Tommy. But "working" wasn't the same as growing.
Lisa looked up, dirt smudged across her forehead. "Fix what?"
"The plant. I could rig up a better support system. Maybe some wire guides to—"
"Mark." She sat back on her heels, that slight smile playing at her lips. The one that said she saw right through him. "The tomato plant isn't broken. It's just growing its own way."
He blinked. Something about her words felt bigger than gardening.
"But it's not growing right," he said. "It's supposed to go up the trellis."
"Says who?" She turned back to the plant, gently adjusting a leaf. "Nature doesn't read instruction manuals."
The Sunday afternoon sun painted shadows across the garden. Somewhere down the street, kids were playing. He thought of Tommy, now thirteen, asking questions about relationships that Mark was only just learning to answer honestly.
"In my first marriage," he started, then paused. Lisa kept working but he knew she was listening. She had a way of creating space for words to find their way out. "I thought if I could just fix everything that was wrong, everything would be right."
"And was it?"
"We made it work. Jennifer and I, we're good now. Better as friends than we ever were as a couple. But..."
"But?"
"But I think maybe I spent so much time fixing things, I forgot to let them grow."
Lisa stood, brushing dirt from her knees. She took his hand, led him to the small bench they'd placed under the apple tree. Their Saturday project three weeks ago – another thing he'd wanted to "fix" until she convinced him that a slightly wobbly garden bench had character.
"You know what I love about gardening?" she asked. "You can't force it. You can't solve it. You can only create the conditions for growth and then..." She spread her hands. "Let it happen."
Mark watched a butterfly land on the wayward tomato plant. "Even if it grows sideways?"
"Especially then." She leaned against him. "Because maybe sideways is exactly where it needs to go to find the light."
He thought about their first fight as a married couple, just two months ago. How his hands had itched to fix it, solve it, file it away in the "resolved" category. How instead, Lisa had taught him to sit with the discomfort, to let the argument breathe and evolve into a deeper understanding.
"Tommy asked me last week why this marriage feels different," Mark said. "I didn't know how to explain it."
"What did you tell him?"
"That I'm learning to be a gardener instead of a handyman."
Lisa laughed, the sound mixing with the wind in the apple leaves. "And how did he take that?"
"He said it explained why his mom likes me better now."
They sat in comfortable silence, watching the tomato plant reach sideways toward something they couldn't see. Mark thought about all the things in his life he'd tried to fix – relationships, emotions, other people's paths. How much energy he'd spent trying to make life grow straight up the trellis.
"I still want to fix that plant," he admitted.
Lisa squeezed his hand. "I know. But maybe instead, we just watch where it goes. Together."
The butterfly took off, dancing on the afternoon breeze. The tomato plant continued its sideways journey. And Mark, for perhaps the first time in his life, simply sat and watched things grow.
Not fixing. Not solving. Just being present in the growing season of his life.
And somehow, that felt like the biggest fix of all.
BOOK… A CALL
I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships
By Michael S. Sorensen (amazon link - not an ad)
Ever notice how some guys just get it? How they seem to navigate relationships with a sixth sense while the rest of us stumble through conversations like we're crossing a minefield blindfolded?
Why This Book Hits Different
This isn't another feelings-fest telling you to "open up more." Sorensen breaks down the art of connection into something that feels more like learning a new sport than attending therapy.
Core Truth Bombs
Most of us think we're listening when we're just waiting to speak
Validation isn't about agreeing - it's about understanding
The most powerful response is often the simplest
You don't need to fix people's feelings to help them feel better
Who Needs This
Guys who keep offering solutions nobody asked for
Men whose partners say "you're not listening"
Anyone who wants to upgrade their relationship skills without losing their identity
Leaders who want to build stronger connections with their team
The Real Talk
You know that moment when someone shares a problem and you immediately jump to solutions? That's not helping. This book shows you what to do instead - and why it works better.
Best Quote to Drop at Work
"Validation is not about agreeing with someone - it's about helping them feel heard and understood."
Why It Matters Now
In a world where everyone's shouting to be heard, knowing how to truly listen is like having a superpower. This book gives you that power without the radioactive spider bite.
Action Steps After Reading
Learn to spot opportunities for validation
Practice the three-step validation process
Notice when you slip into fix-it mode
Build new response habits
Bottom Line
It's a 3-hour read that can save you 3 years of relationship headaches. Think of it as a field manual for human connection.
Remember: Being heard is the highest form of respect you can give someone. This book teaches you how to give that gift without losing yourself in the process.
MOO-SIC
"Lean on Me" - Bill Withers (1972)
Sometimes the simplest truths hit the hardest. Bill Withers knew this when he wrote this soul classic about something we all need but rarely ask for - permission to not be okay.
Why This Song Hits Different Now
In an age where everyone's expected to have it all figured out, Withers reminds us that strength isn't about standing alone - it's about standing together.
The Story Behind the Song
Withers drew from his experience growing up in a small coal mining town in West Virginia, where community wasn't just a word - it was survival. People helped each other not because they had solutions, but because they had presence.
When to Hit Play
When you need to remember it's okay to need help
Before having that tough conversation with someone struggling
When you want to shift from fixing to supporting
As a reminder that sometimes just being there is enough
The Impact
This isn't just a song about helping others - it's about the courage to accept help yourself. Withers created an anthem that gives men permission to both offer and ask for support, wrapped in a melody so natural it feels like it's always existed.
Why It Matters Today
In our fix-it-quick culture, this song stands as a reminder that sometimes the most powerful thing you can say isn't "let me solve that" but "I'm here for you."
Power Move
Next time someone shares their struggles, instead of reaching for solutions, remember Withers' message: Sometimes all we need is someone to lean on.
Remember: Real strength isn't about carrying all the weight yourself. It's about being strong enough to share the load.
🎵 Take a listen. Let it remind you that being someone's strength doesn't always mean being their solution.
SCIENCE BEACH
The Science of Being Heard: Why Validation Beats Problem-Solving
Ever wonder why fixing your partner's problems doesn't fix your relationship? Science has some answers that might surprise you.
The Research Drop
A groundbreaking study published in the Journal of Family Psychology examined how different response styles affect relationship satisfaction and emotional intimacy. The research team from the University of Utah studied couples' interactions and their impact on relationship outcomes.
The Numbers Hit Different
Partners who received validation reported feeling more understood and cared for
Problem-solving responses, when not requested, increased emotional distance
Couples who practiced validation showed better conflict resolution skills
Emotional support predicted relationship satisfaction better than practical support
Your Brain on Validation
When someone validates your feelings, your brain's reward centers activate, releasing oxytocin and dopamine. But when someone jumps straight to solutions? Your stress response can actually increase.
The Practical Breakdown
Think of it like a workout routine (again… I keep getting back to this analogy) for your relationship:
Validation is your warm-up
Understanding is your main set
Problem-solving is your cool-down
Skip the warm-up, and you risk injury. In relationship terms, jumping straight to solutions is like trying to deadlift without warming up your back.
Real-World Impact
Research shows that couples who practice validation experience:
Better emotional regulation
Lower relationship stress
More effective communication
Stronger emotional bonds
Higher relationship satisfaction
The Power Move
Next time your partner shares a problem, try this research-backed approach:
Listen without planning your response
Acknowledge the emotion ("That sounds frustrating")
Wait for them to ask for solutions
Watch your relationship grow stronger
Bottom Line
The evidence is clear: Being heard matters more than being helped. Your solutions might be solid gold, but timing is everything.
Remember: You wouldn't skip your warm-up at the gym. Don't skip it in your relationships either.
Sources:
Validation in Family Relationships (Journal of Family Psychology, 2019)
"The Role of Emotional Validation in Relationship Satisfaction" - Leong et al., Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (2021)
"Effects of Partner Support Types on Relationship Outcomes" - University of Utah Psychology Department (2022)
A note from us: We read the studies. We checked the research. But instead of linking to papers behind paywalls, we're giving you the real-world version. Want to dig deeper? Hit up Google Scholar. The data's there. But the truth? You'll feel it in practice.
ABOUT MENQUILIBRIUM
Let's cut through the noise for a minute.
Who We Are
We're not life coaches. Not gurus. Not self-help prophets selling shortcuts to enlightenment.
We're just guys who got tired of seeing men struggle alone. We are those men.
What This Really Is
This newsletter isn't about fixing you. You're not broken.
It's not about turning you into something you're not. It's not about making you softer or harder or different.
It's about giving you space to be who you already are - without the masks, without the performance, without the BS.
The Catch (Because You're Wondering)
Yeah, we've got a paid subscription option. Yeah, we hope to build something bigger than just words on a screen.
But here's the real deal: This content, these stories, this brotherhood? It's free. Always will be.
Because we believe every man deserves access to:
Real talk without the hustle culture nonsense
Support without the toxic masculinity
Growth without the guru markup
What We're Not
We're not selling quick fixes
We're not pushing supplements or programs
We're not trying to recruit you into anything
We're not pretending to have all the answers
What We Are
We're building a space where:
Questions are better than answers
Growth happens at its own pace
Strength includes vulnerability
Brotherhood means showing up as you are
The Bottom Line
Every week, we remind each other:
Your path is yours
Your struggles are normal
Your efforts count
Your story matters
That's it. No hidden agenda. No secret handshake. No conspiracy.
Just men walking together, growing together, figuring shit out together.
🤜🤛
Remember: In a world full of people trying to sell you something, sometimes the most radical thing is just being real.
Follow the style of Improv and let them come to you--stay agreeable and add unto them that which they wish to add to you. Say yes, and keep going. Fixing someone or some place or thing just drains too much energy. Pausing and then plowing ahead with the solution as a--don't do as I say, but see who I be--is a much more graceful way of affecting and effecting change! A great example is of these YouTubers with lawn mowing as their channel. They just do it without compensation, and sure enough--the neighbors provide all the clues as to the 'owners' of the lot. The meanies also surface and are usually silenced.