The last few years did something to me. Maybe they did something to all of us, but I can only speak for myself. I became a vault. Every thought, every struggle -I kept it all locked inside.
I understand this. Throughout my life I've had various best friends. We bonded over whatever was most important in my life at the moment, but as time passed, and my life changed, they seemed to stay the same. Suddenly our mutual interest was no longer mutual. And in other cases, it was in reverse, as they changed while I didn't.
Now I'm grown up, married, and have two young sons, and my family has become my best friend. I still have a number of friends, perhaps better described as acquaintances, with him I spend time now and then. Some are movie-watching friends, others are music-making friends, and so forth. I still keep in touch with friends from the past, but a handful of phone calls a year isn't the same as the hang-out-every-day friendships we used to have.
I'd guess my experience is similar that of most people, in that as we grow up we become more complex, and become interested in many things, and we develop more limited friendship with many people, each of which is centered around one activity, and stop having the friends we're with all the time.
I think many people are dopamine addicted (drip, drip, drip) to media, electronics, and convenience. (Along with the joined emotions of anger/fear). Perhaps this is just a phase our society is going through, but there is an incredible amount of shallowness in it. If you can extract yourself from the constant dopamine hits these addictions provide, you're inevitably bound to face yourself and naturally ask the deeper and more meaningful questions. Kudos to you for waking up to that.
Another great article, Dragos! I love the “islands are actually connected under the sea” insight.
Like most men, I just have a few real friends - some relatively new, some that have stuck with me through thick and thin for decades.
Reflecting further on your post, I think of friendships like the Solar System. Some friends are with you forever like the Earth and Moon. Some you see occasionally as you pass orbits like the other planets. And some you see and bond with for a period of time and then they’re gone again like a comet passing through. They may come around again but the orbit may be so long that you don’t see each other again in this life. Or maybe their orbit changes (or yours does) and they weren’t meant to return. I don’t know. Just some thoughts you spurred in me.
And though we’ve never met in person, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed learning more about you through your writing and our conversations, and feel that we would be good friends if we lived on the same continent! Let’s get a meal if you’re ever in the Boston area of the U.S.!
I used to have a lot of friends and a whole crowd of acquaintances. The parties at my house were packed and I felt like I was at the center of a dynamic, creative community. Then I hit my mid-30s and my friends starting having kids and the community dispersed. Eventually, I married too, followed my wife's career to a new city, and we immediately had a kid with special needs. Making new male friends in your mid- to late-40s is difficult, but I made attempts when I could. One thing I noticed when hanging out with potential new friends is that they didn't have any friends either and didn't seem particularly motivated to change this. Predictably, these friendship never really developed.
I'd be interested in hearing about how you go about your quest for new friends. I have a feeling that a ton of men are going to regret their apathy about maintaining or making new friendships when they become empty nesters or retirees, but it's frustrating that so many of us are choosing to try to get all of their needs met by their family or work and neglecting the side of themselves that can only be explored with friends.
Always enjoy your writing. You come at things from a different angle than the other guys I read. Keep it up, you are a different voice in the crowd.
I understand this. Throughout my life I've had various best friends. We bonded over whatever was most important in my life at the moment, but as time passed, and my life changed, they seemed to stay the same. Suddenly our mutual interest was no longer mutual. And in other cases, it was in reverse, as they changed while I didn't.
Now I'm grown up, married, and have two young sons, and my family has become my best friend. I still have a number of friends, perhaps better described as acquaintances, with him I spend time now and then. Some are movie-watching friends, others are music-making friends, and so forth. I still keep in touch with friends from the past, but a handful of phone calls a year isn't the same as the hang-out-every-day friendships we used to have.
I'd guess my experience is similar that of most people, in that as we grow up we become more complex, and become interested in many things, and we develop more limited friendship with many people, each of which is centered around one activity, and stop having the friends we're with all the time.
Great article! So true, it's time to build bridges with the knowing that the purpose of life is to pay attention to every moment.
This question has always been, "What is the meaning of life, or our life?"
1. Youth is wasted on the young
2. Life lessons are never kept
3. We always want more than we have
4. We evolve into whatever we believe will make us happy
5. We envy those we perceive as having what we want
6. We are not perfect beings; stop trying to be one
Love yourself as you do others.
Forgive yourself so that you can forgive
Start living today, change the game
I think many people are dopamine addicted (drip, drip, drip) to media, electronics, and convenience. (Along with the joined emotions of anger/fear). Perhaps this is just a phase our society is going through, but there is an incredible amount of shallowness in it. If you can extract yourself from the constant dopamine hits these addictions provide, you're inevitably bound to face yourself and naturally ask the deeper and more meaningful questions. Kudos to you for waking up to that.
Another great article, Dragos! I love the “islands are actually connected under the sea” insight.
Like most men, I just have a few real friends - some relatively new, some that have stuck with me through thick and thin for decades.
Reflecting further on your post, I think of friendships like the Solar System. Some friends are with you forever like the Earth and Moon. Some you see occasionally as you pass orbits like the other planets. And some you see and bond with for a period of time and then they’re gone again like a comet passing through. They may come around again but the orbit may be so long that you don’t see each other again in this life. Or maybe their orbit changes (or yours does) and they weren’t meant to return. I don’t know. Just some thoughts you spurred in me.
And though we’ve never met in person, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed learning more about you through your writing and our conversations, and feel that we would be good friends if we lived on the same continent! Let’s get a meal if you’re ever in the Boston area of the U.S.!
I used to have a lot of friends and a whole crowd of acquaintances. The parties at my house were packed and I felt like I was at the center of a dynamic, creative community. Then I hit my mid-30s and my friends starting having kids and the community dispersed. Eventually, I married too, followed my wife's career to a new city, and we immediately had a kid with special needs. Making new male friends in your mid- to late-40s is difficult, but I made attempts when I could. One thing I noticed when hanging out with potential new friends is that they didn't have any friends either and didn't seem particularly motivated to change this. Predictably, these friendship never really developed.
I'd be interested in hearing about how you go about your quest for new friends. I have a feeling that a ton of men are going to regret their apathy about maintaining or making new friendships when they become empty nesters or retirees, but it's frustrating that so many of us are choosing to try to get all of their needs met by their family or work and neglecting the side of themselves that can only be explored with friends.